Monday, June 11, 2018
Monday, March 12, 2018
There's a lot of scary stuff in the world, but I'm here to tell you some less scary stuff, and perhaps, make you laugh. This is going to be a bit of a confession(ish), with a touch of regular life stuff, I think. I've meant to write this for the last oh, four or five days, but I've just been having a terrible case of writers block/laziness.
I don't know what I'm doing. I know, a lot of people say that too, but in this case, it's so legitimately true. I'm not working as hard as I could or should. In the gym, or in life in general. I just don't know what is effective and is actually going to help me. What, besides changing my diet(which I'm trying to do) is going to have the best impact. Also, getting up to do cardio is difficult, but that's my fault due to the years of inactivity.
I know that we aren't supposed to compare ourselves to others, but it's difficult not to. We see so many others figure it out, and we sit and try to figure out why we can't "get the recipe right" and thus, we end up in a cycle of detesting ourselves and our method that doesn't work, and think that there's no way to get this right.
Adding to all these insecurities, I find my mind more often than not, in a realm of fog. I always feel like I've not gotten enough sleep. My focus is lackluster, and my attention span has fallen severely. Maybe I try to "multitask" too much. Maybe I just let myself believe that there's no such thing as too much screen time, and even as an adult, there's a limit. Maybe it's just time to disconnect a little bit. Make sure that I have a bit more non-screen time.
I've literally been working on this blog for a few days...I keep getting distracted, and well, my laptop(am I the only one who still uses an actual laptop for stuff like this?) has been kinda acting like a spoiled toddler. I'm finally able to get back on this track.
I don't want to turn this fine blog into a boring, droning, confession piece, or a whiney, poor me bit. All I can really do is end this, and say I'm going to do everything that I can to get myself back on track because I have dreams. I have a future of some sort because I choose to do better.
Friday, January 26, 2018
It's late, and instead of getting my butt in bed, I choose to write. I have half the day to do this, and inspiration decides to hit now. C'est la vie. I actually have been recording while driving so I can remember what I want to write about and now I just need to start going through and writing that stuff.
That's not what this is about. This is about my New Years resolutions, and well, I want to share them with you. So, without further ado, here we go!
Read 42 books: I figure I can read at least one a week, so this should be an easy task. I used to love reading so much, that at times I preferred it to watching tv/gaming.
Learn a new language, or improve on one already started: I took some high school Spanish like many other folks have, and as an adult I want to broaden my horizons and open myself up to other cultures.
Here's the generic one that many people choose: Get healthy via working out and eating better. I don't want to remain an unhealthy, 565lb person.
Learn a new skill in tech: Technology has been a passion of mine, but not one that I've taken as seriously as I'd like. I want to improve my knowledge base, and if I can keep my nose to the grindstone, I think I could learn more than just one thing.
Seriously begin streaming/creating content on Twitch/YT: Now, I don't believe that being a professional streamer/entertainer on one of the various streaming platforms is easy, but it's something that I think would be fun, and potentially a good idea.
Learn video editing/audio for good vids/podcast content: obviously, this goes with the last one, but it's actually something I started to look in to, but completely fell off the learning tree.
Take a writing class: I want to improve my writing. I don't think it's fair for me to say I'm good, but I think I have potential.
Volunteer to help others: I don't feel like I'm living up to my own standards. I want to leave this world better than it was when I found it, and I know that I haven't been doing that. I can do better.
That's gonna wrap up my New Years resolutions, and it might change over the year(adding things, not subtracting) and I hope that by this time next year, I'm writing to tell you that I successfully completed my list. Thanks for reading, and enjoy the view.
Saturday, January 20, 2018
For the longest time, I've denied what I've known: I'm addicted to food. Sugar, and fat, and chocolate and all other sorts of confections are my weakness. It's difficult, because of two things, one, I need food to survive, and I know I need to make better choices, and two: I think, "hey, I can have just one or two small servings of this", and the next thing I know a big ol' pan of brownies or cookies are gone. And that's no one's fault but my own. It's as though my taste buds and brain just don't relay to my stomach that they don't need that much.
If you're reading this, odds are you saw my little breakdown on New Year's Eve, and obviously, I have some issues to work through regarding my self-esteem. Here's the thing, last time I was weighed, I weighed 565lbs. I don't reveal this number to garner sympathy, or to be ridiculed(although putting this on the internet is probably going to open me up to some). I share this because I want my peeps to know where exactly I need to start from. I don't know what lies within my sub-conscience that I need to reconcile, but this year, that's my mission: To learn new things and uncover my own issues.
I actually made a New Years Resolution list. Things I wanted to do in 2018, and I hope to accomplish at least half, but I do obviously want to complete the whole thing. I hope that you, the reader, will join me on my journey. I know I fell off the writing wagon, but I hope to get back on that as well.
You may have noticed that I used the word hope rather frequently, and that's because I believe that hope is what one needs to embark upon an endeavor such as this.
Thank you for reading, and I'll see you when the Sun comes up again.
Sunday, November 23, 2014
I wonder if you'd forget me when I'm gone. I don't mean dead, but just away from here. The urge to run and leave, and forge my own path is overwhelming. I feel stifled and trapped inside my head, only rarely letting myself out. It's strange the things you forget, and the things you don't. A scent that stimulates your mind, a place that awakens your soul after being at rest for so long. A touch reminiscent of a past lover, bringing to life feelings of nostalgia.
Saturday, October 25, 2014
I don't know who I am, at times. I feel like a million things all at once, then I feel like nothing. Abandoned at times by those I normally feel closest to. Being there for them, offering support, and at times, advice. But when I'm feeling lost, confused, and pushed down by the world, I'm alone. Left to forge my path, find answers, alone.
I'm a novel barely begun, and yet at times, I feel as though I'm midway through completion, without substance. I'm a writer staring blankly at a sheet of paper, or a computer screen, unable to write a beginning, only knowing a true, definitive end.
I'm a hundred paragraphs, unconnected, yet must be connected somehow. The lines that connect them are invisibly drawn, having yet to appear and make themselves known, for I must draw them myself.
Tuesday, June 24, 2014
I'd press the button in an instant. This world seems wrong. Feels wrong. Smells and tastes, wrong. People think you're something you aren't. Accuse you of things you don't do, but know them to be guilty of. I'm not thick, I'm actually pretty clever, and the thing is, I know the truth. I've always known the truth.
My silly little world is more comforting than the emptiness that I find in the real one. My silly little world isn't filled with people plaguing me with fake feelings, manipulation of my real feelings or manipulation of some misdeeds that were perpetrated many years ago. I'd choose my silly little world, always.