I’ve had this in my head for a few weeks now, and I think it’s time to get it out into something other than my head. I used to write. I used to write a lot. Now, I am hard-pressed to complete a blog, or even finish a book (reading, I mean). I know, you’re thinking what does that have to do with writing, right? Well, the more you read, especially things that enthrall you, the more you want to write. The more you read, the better you write. Good, bad, ugly, atrocious, wonderful, fact, fiction, somewhere in between (Historical fiction, I’m looking at you) it all helps you want to write, and share your experiences or just invent a new world. I don’t know why I stopped, but I want to begin…Again.
For
the longest time, I’ve tried to care about me, but I have never been able to
get it right, for too long anyway. I’ve started and stopped so many times that
even starting is feeling like a chore. But I have indeed started. I started on
December 23rd, 2020. I know I’ve documented it on Instagram, and on
Facebook as well but I wanted to also do a little writing, so I figured I’d do
it about this. I am a big man. I’ve allowed myself to become cartoonishly large
without ever really realizing it. Have you ever had that happen? One day you go
to sleep thinking you’ll be okay and you’ve got a plan and then you wake up and
all of the sudden you are where you never thought you’d be? I used to see
people out on the street, or on TLC that were my size and I said to myself I’d never
let myself get that big. Boy, was I wrong. I’ve never thought that I would get
so out of hand, and then one day I realized that I couldn’t do the things I
once did to even attempt to get healthy. I’m afraid to go to the gym because I’m
afraid that I’ll break equipment, and let’s face it, no one wants to ever do
that. Not to mention the fact that when it comes to actual fitness planning, I
have no clue what on earth I need to do, or how hard I need to go. It’s
expensive to hire a personal trainer and in these times, it’s made even worse.
So, I’ve started with DDPY. I’ve had some success with it in the past, and I
hope to have great success with it in the present.
Doing
DDPY isn’t inherently difficult, but it’s also something that you need to be
not only consistent in the workout, but also in the dietary regimen as well.
There’s so much literature out there, and maybe I just need to grit my teeth
and try one, but I want to make sure that whatever lifestyle changes I make,
are sustainable. There’s nothing worse than thinking something will work and
then falling off and feeling even worse than before. Failing is important, but
that doesn’t mean that anyone likes to fail. I, unfortunately, don’t have very
good reactions to failure. I don’t handle it as well as I’d like, and it is
something that I’m working on, but like everything, it takes time. I don’t want
to be just another statistic that the DOH chalks up to heart disease, obesity,
high blood pressure, or something similar. I struggle to correct my ways,
because I’ve got poor mental health, poor self-esteem, poor self-image, and I
often feel like my life is insignificant because, well, I don’t really know. I
guess I’ve almost always felt this way. I want to be better. I can be better. I
am better than what I’ve settled for my entire life. I have always
unfortunately always seen an obstacle and put minimal effort in, and
eventually gave up because I knew that it was an option. To me, now, it’s no
longer an option. At 620lbs. I either put my head down, and drive through the obstacle,
or it kills me. I’m not being figurative here, I’m being literal. It brings me
to tears at times, and I’m telling you this because I believe it’s necessary to
get these things out.
My
time on earth, like others is obviously limited. I don’t want to spend it
working towards someone else’s dreams. I don’t want to spend it being limited
to staying in a shell, staying at home, shutting myself in because I’m afraid
to let others see me, or because I’m just plainly uncomfortable both physically
and emotionally. I want to be able to spend time doing things with my nieces, that
involve more than staying in one area or just giving them something to do and
letting them do it by themselves. It is one of those types of things that makes
me tear up. Not being able to show them how fun life can be, and how fun just
being a kid can and should be. I’m trying to commit to more than just barely trying.
I’m trying to take everything step by step, one thing at a time.
Like
an anthem in my heart, this is what I commit to doing, not for anyone but me, but
I hope my peeps care. I commit to working towards a healthier relationship with
food, work towards fixing what is obstructing my progress in my head, and I
commit to doing as much as I can, to be here for as long as science and health allow
me to. I like living. I like the experiences that this world brings, and I don’t
want to end that ride any time soon. I want to live and experience everything
there is to experience, and I know that includes the bad but without the bad
times, we don’t know to cherish the good times. I hope that I’m done starting
over again. I hope I’m done feeling as though my life has no meaning. I hope I’m
done feeling expendable.
Hey,
if you’ve made it here, I want to thank you for reading this short blog. I’ve
not done a regular blog for a while, but I’m hoping that I can keep this up and
let you fine folks know what I’m up to, and how I’m doing. Obviously, I’m also
over on a number of other platforms, so if you’d like to follow me there, links
will be below. I want you to have a great day, and I hope you know that you
matter, you can do anything that you put your mind to (within reason, sadly ain’t
no one about to become Superman or some other crazy thing, but you got this).
Your support means the world to me, and I thank you for it immensely.
~Much
Love,
Erik
