What’s It Like to Not Feel Like a Huge Disappointment

 

I’m at an age where I can look at my old high school mates and seriously become depressed. It’s not their fault, it’s mine. I know that everyone in this world makes their own life in their own time, but how can I not feel like a disappointment? To everyone, I try to exude a joviality that isn’t always true. It’s often times just a façade to placate the thoughts that people can sometimes have. I don’t blame anyone but myself for never seeing what I could have truly become had I not slacked off and kept myself focused on my future(present now). I see so many of my peers with families, businesses, careers, kids, living their best lives because, many of them believed in themselves, or at least it appears that way. Granted, I could be 100% wrong, and that is fine. It’s hard to not see others’ and their lives and not be jealous. It’s frustrating looking in the mirror and seeing someone who should be in a better position in life. Not because I think that I’m better than others’ but because I should have tried. I know that there’s literally thousands of people who tried something and failed to be a star in their chosen field, but so many land in places that sets them on a new course. I know that this isn’t tv or movies, and there’s no one plotting the story, making things go the way they should, helping the main character pluck up the courage to ask that pretty girl out, or a random plot twist where someone is finally noticed for their work. Or, my favorite, “The Great Epiphany!” That one moment that makes their life so crystal clear. We are the authors of our own lives, and yet we don’t all have the same abilities to suss out what we want to become. Who our character is going to be. People ask what my blogs are about at times, and man, mostly I hurt inside. There are things in my past that have kept me in ways I never thought possible. I’m tired of being disappointed by myself. Not being able to properly get a hold on my weight gain. I’m afraid that I will end up failing again, and again and end up giving up on myself. I’m disappointed that I don’t have any sort of success and I still live at home, not able to do what I’ve committed to. I’m not embarrassed, but I wish that I was better. Better at life, and better at being a good person. Better at taking care of myself. Writing this blog is a disappointment, because I feel like my pain, my sadness, my failures mean nothing because there are so many people who have it worse off than I do. I’m complaining about my bullshit, and there are other people who could look at me and say “Listen man, what are you complaining about?” but I feel like that then minimizes me as a person. It’s round, and round in my head. I don’t want to constantly be a guy who is a downer, and I feel like that’s what I always am. I just don’t know how to make others’ see what my mind is going through.

What Am I Working On Now

 During this entire pandemic, I have been working on some things very sporadically. I wanted to achieve much more, but c’est la vie! I’m still relatively young, only 36. I have plenty of time to do the things that I want to do, despite my own misgivings and self-doubting. People seem to think “old” means useless, and that is so far from the truth. Learning and knowledge has not age limit. The problem always lies in the overwhelming look of the beginning of a journey. You see all the steps and it’s terrifying. The starting of any journey is frustratingly full of fear. Who among this species, living or dead, can say that they started something new with no fear, no trepidations, no concerns? I defy anyone to, with a straight face, say that they had no fear. The real strength is overcoming the fears that we each have to do what takes us to the next level of our lives and lets us live out our dreams. As fun as my current job can be, I don’t want to do it forever. It’s stressful, the responsibility is extraordinarily high for the pay, and before anyone gets on a high horse here, being responsible for the care, and transportation of 80 students and their lives is a bit nerve wracking. I mean, sure it’s a teacher’s job to help a child learn, but if they forget to teach them two plus two, they won’t be responsible for killing them. Bus drivers are tasked with the job of being a vehicle operator, a teacher, a supervisor, general first aid giver in case of an emergency, and yet we are somehow treated like we are some sort of lower class than others. “Oh, he’s JUST a bus driver” No ma’am, I’m responsible for getting all these kids to and from school safely. It’s not what I want to do. It’s not worth the stress, if I’m honest, but there are definitely bright spots. I’m working toward doing what I love. I’m working towards A+ and Networking + certifications, Streaming, trying to entertain people and teach where I can. Learning new skills along the way for photography, videography, photo editing, and video editing. I’m not saying that I’m going to be perfect at it, but I’m going to do my damndest to try. Other things that I’m working on are art, and music. I always wanted to learn to play an instrument, and man I had the chance when I was a kid. I started on the clarinet. Apparently, it takes practice, and as a kid, I really hated practicing. I’m trying to get over that as an adult.

On a bit more personal level, I’m trying to mitigate my shortcomings. Adjust my attitude a bit and man is it hard. I’m trying to be kinder to myself and show myself that I matter even if it’s only to me. I’m a bit tired of feeling like things are just out of my control. Pursuing changes in my diet and exercise habits is something that I’ve been struggling with literally my entire life. When I was a child, five or six was the last time that I was even remotely healthy. People have watched me struggle and I feel like I’ve always done this alone. Even doctors who you’d think would lend some sort of assistance always tried to push me towards some sort of surgery that, for all intents and purposes, I would have to prove that I could lose some of the weight on my own, so why do the surgery? Just help me stay on the path that leads to natural weight loss. I’m sorry if it seems like I blame others’ but I do. I know that ultimately, I have been responsible for my choices, but those that had a hand in why food is my drug and coping mechanism are also responsible. I’m sorry if that hurts, but trust me when I say it hurts me far more.

I’m tired of just existing. I know it’s up to me to kick myself in the rear and be motivated, but man is it a tough thing to do. I often feel like I’m not worth having some sort of happiness in life or something. I don’t really know why or where. I don’t know if I just come from a long line of people who give up on themselves or if somewhere we just became disappointments and those of us that have “Just lived with it” are the failure of our genetic line.

 

 I know this isn’t overly positive, I’m just in a bad mindset today, and I don’t actually have anyone to talk to anymore. At least not about the serious stuff. Anyway, if you read this, you deserve a present. So, here’s a photo of a good boy.