How Do I Begin To Care About Me

     I’ve had this in my head for a few weeks now, and I think it’s time to get it out into something other than my head. I used to write. I used to write a lot. Now, I am hard-pressed to complete a blog, or even finish a book (reading, I mean). I know, you’re thinking what does that have to do with writing, right? Well, the more you read, especially things that enthrall you, the more you want to write. The more you read, the better you write. Good, bad, ugly, atrocious, wonderful, fact, fiction, somewhere in between (Historical fiction, I’m looking at you) it all helps you want to write, and share your experiences or just invent a new world. I don’t know why I stopped, but I want to begin…Again.

 

For the longest time, I’ve tried to care about me, but I have never been able to get it right, for too long anyway. I’ve started and stopped so many times that even starting is feeling like a chore. But I have indeed started. I started on December 23^rd, 2020. I know I’ve documented it on Instagram, and on Facebook as well but I wanted to also do a little writing, so I figured I’d do it about this. I am a big man. I’ve allowed myself to become cartoonishly large without ever really realizing it. Have you ever had that happen? One day you go to sleep thinking you’ll be okay and you’ve got a plan and then you wake up and all of the sudden you are where you never thought you’d be? I used to see people out on the street, or on TLC that were my size and I said to myself I’d never let myself get that big. Boy, was I wrong. I’ve never thought that I would get so out of hand, and then one day I realized that I couldn’t do the things I once did to even attempt to get healthy. I’m afraid to go to the gym because I’m afraid that I’ll break equipment, and let’s face it, no one wants to ever do that. Not to mention the fact that when it comes to actual fitness planning, I have no clue what on earth I need to do, or how hard I need to go. It’s expensive to hire a personal trainer and in these times, it’s made even worse. So, I’ve started with DDPY. I’ve had some success with it in the past, and I hope to have great success with it in the present.

 

Doing DDPY isn’t inherently difficult, but it’s also something that you need to be not only consistent in the workout, but also in the dietary regimen as well. There’s so much literature out there, and maybe I just need to grit my teeth and try one, but I want to make sure that whatever lifestyle changes I make, are sustainable. There’s nothing worse than thinking something will work and then falling off and feeling even worse than before. Failing is important, but that doesn’t mean that anyone likes to fail. I, unfortunately, don’t have very good reactions to failure. I don’t handle it as well as I’d like, and it is something that I’m working on, but like everything, it takes time. I don’t want to be just another statistic that the DOH chalks up to heart disease, obesity, high blood pressure, or something similar. I struggle to correct my ways, because I’ve got poor mental health, poor self-esteem, poor self-image, and I often feel like my life is insignificant because, well, I don’t really know. I guess I’ve almost always felt this way. I want to be better. I can be better. I am better than what I’ve settled for my entire life. I have always unfortunately always seen an obstacle and put minimal effort in, and eventually gave up because I knew that it was an option. To me, now, it’s no longer an option. At 620lbs. I either put my head down, and drive through the obstacle, or it kills me. I’m not being figurative here, I’m being literal. It brings me to tears at times, and I’m telling you this because I believe it’s necessary to get these things out.

 

My time on earth, like others is obviously limited. I don’t want to spend it working towards someone else’s dreams. I don’t want to spend it being limited to staying in a shell, staying at home, shutting myself in because I’m afraid to let others see me, or because I’m just plainly uncomfortable both physically and emotionally. I want to be able to spend time doing things with my nieces, that involve more than staying in one area or just giving them something to do and letting them do it by themselves. It is one of those types of things that makes me tear up. Not being able to show them how fun life can be, and how fun just being a kid can and should be. I’m trying to commit to more than just barely trying. I’m trying to take everything step by step, one thing at a time.

 

Like an anthem in my heart, this is what I commit to doing, not for anyone but me, but I hope my peeps care. I commit to working towards a healthier relationship with food, work towards fixing what is obstructing my progress in my head, and I commit to doing as much as I can, to be here for as long as science and health allow me to. I like living. I like the experiences that this world brings, and I don’t want to end that ride any time soon. I want to live and experience everything there is to experience, and I know that includes the bad but without the bad times, we don’t know to cherish the good times. I hope that I’m done starting over again. I hope I’m done feeling as though my life has no meaning. I hope I’m done feeling expendable.

 

Hey, if you’ve made it here, I want to thank you for reading this short blog. I’ve not done a regular blog for a while, but I’m hoping that I can keep this up and let you fine folks know what I’m up to, and how I’m doing. Obviously, I’m also over on a number of other platforms, so if you’d like to follow me there, links will be below. I want you to have a great day, and I hope you know that you matter, you can do anything that you put your mind to (within reason, sadly ain’t no one about to become Superman or some other crazy thing, but you got this). Your support means the world to me, and I thank you for it immensely.

 

~Much Love,

Erik

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New years resolutions(Am I late?)

It's late, and instead of getting my butt in bed, I choose to write. I have half the day to do this, and inspiration decides to hit now. C'est la vie. I actually have been recording while driving so I can remember what I want to write about and now I just need to start going through and writing that stuff.

That's not what this is about. This is about my New Years resolutions, and well, I want to share them with you. So, without further ado, here we go!

Read 42 books: I figure I can read at least one a week, so this should be an easy task. I used to love reading so much, that at times I preferred it to watching tv/gaming.

Learn a new language, or improve on one already started: I took some high school Spanish like many other folks have, and as an adult I want to broaden my horizons and open myself up to other cultures.

Here's the generic one that many people choose: Get healthy via working out and eating better. I don't want to remain an unhealthy, 565lb person.

Learn a new skill in tech: Technology has been a passion of mine, but not one that I've taken as seriously as I'd like. I want to improve my knowledge base, and if I can keep my nose to the grindstone, I think I could learn more than just one thing.

Seriously begin streaming/creating content on Twitch/YT: Now, I don't believe that being a professional streamer/entertainer on one of the various streaming platforms is easy, but it's something that I think would be fun, and potentially a good idea.

Learn video editing/audio for good vids/podcast content: obviously, this goes with the last one, but it's actually something I started to look in to, but completely fell off the learning tree.

Take a writing class: I want to improve my writing. I don't think it's fair for me to say I'm good, but I think I have potential.

Volunteer to help others: I don't feel like I'm living up to my own standards. I want to leave this world better than it was when I found it, and I know that I haven't been doing that. I can do better.

That's gonna wrap up my New Years resolutions, and it might change over the year(adding things, not subtracting) and I hope that by this time next year, I'm writing to tell you that I successfully completed my list. Thanks for reading, and enjoy the view.

I'm untitled

I don't know who I am, at times. I feel like a million things all at once, then I feel like nothing. Abandoned at times by those I normally feel closest to. Being there for them, offering support, and at times, advice. But when I'm feeling lost, confused, and pushed down by the world, I'm alone. Left to forge my path, find answers, alone.

I'm a novel barely begun, and yet at times, I feel as though I'm midway through completion, without substance. I'm a writer staring blankly at a sheet of paper, or a computer screen, unable to write a beginning, only knowing a true, definitive end.

I'm a hundred paragraphs, unconnected, yet must be connected somehow. The lines that connect them are invisibly drawn, having yet to appear and make themselves known, for I must draw them myself.

Rude awakening

     Hello readers, and welcome once again to the view from the sun. I am your host as always, the charming Eros Helios. Today is day 2 on my long journey and, man did it come with a rude awakening when it comes to my diet.

     I like coffee. Anyone who knows me, knows this to be true. My local coffee joint is Tim Horton's, and as I do on most days, I went to buy myself coffee. Well, I didn't just get coffee, I also got oatmeal and a muffin. I should have just stuck with the coffee, and maybe the oatmeal, because the muffin has 400 calories, and then I look at the coffee, it has 440 calories in it. I know, sugar is not good for me, but it's a habitual kinda thing, and I like my coffee to be sweet-ish. Then I looked at the cream, and the cream has 300 calories for an extra large.

     With all that in mind, it looks like I'm going to have to either cut down on my coffee, cut down on cream and sugar or find lower calorie, non artificial sweetener, natural sweetener. It's just one thing that I'm going to have to change, but in the end it will be worth it. I suppose that coffee wasn't meant to be guzzled by the gallon anyway (hyperbole, I don't actually drink it by the gallon), but to be sipped and enjoyed slowly, just as life is meant to be.

     I'm thinking that I might write more than one of these blogs a day, because if I write one in the morning, well, you miss out on the rest of the day. Who knows. The road may be long and winding, but ultimately, it's going to be enjoyable.

     Thanks for checking me out, til next time, stay sunny!

Birthday time again.

     Ladies and gentlemen, a day late, and a dollar short, but here I am! Birthday blog 2013. The big 30, and I don't feel a day over 18. I have some problems, but I'm gonna solve them. 1,2,3, lets proceed!

     Not an easy day for some, as yesterday marked 11 years, to the day that we returned my grandmother to the earth. 11 years ago, on Tuesday, 30th of July 2002, I was waking up, dreading what lay before me. Time passed and healed all the wounds, but the scars are still there and they always will be.

     On to better thoughts though, now that I'm 30, I suppose that I really need to make changes. I don't remember how I got here, but here I am, and now I need to go elsewhere. I see you, probably scratching your head in confusion. By this I mean I need to get my health on track, I need to get my education on track, and I need to get me on track.

     Within the next year, I want to get in school, and I want to lose weight. I need to amend those statements because, I will be in school and I will lose weight! I'm asking you, my friends, my audience, to hold me accountable. Help me to keep my administration transparent (Ok, I'm an administration of one, but I haven't got the money to hire people, so bear with me.) I need to have my friends give me moral support, keep me on the straight and narrow (so to speak) seeing as I don't have the money for a personal trainer and I sure as hell don't have the luck to have a movie like experience of a personal trainer or some such individual taking interest in me and caring enough about me to do it for free.

     It's important to look to the future, but it's also important to never forget those that came before you. Those who sacrificed their futures to bring you up, rather than abort you, and the ones who sacrifice their very lives to maintain the freedoms that you enjoy. Never forget the blood, sweat and tears that have been shed, but also remember that there are good days for with the good we must have the bad. Life is simply a pile of good things and bad things, and the good things don't necessarily soften the bad things, and the bad things don't make the good things irrelevant.

     We all need help, and it takes an extraordinary amount of courage and effort to take the first step and admit that you need help. It's a debilitating feeling to know that you can't do something yourself.

     I hope that each and every one of you who read this, or know me, will be here for my journey. I will be taking time out of my day to not only blog about random things, but also I will be keeping a food blog/diary and I hope that if I forget, or if I start slacking, someone will be there asking me why. It is my hope that one day people will look at me and say, "He EARNED his life back, it wasn't just given to him."

     And so, I say for the next chapter in my life.... IT'S CLOBBERING TIIIIIIIIIIIIME!

Realism

     Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the View from the Sun, and I'd like to welcome you to a very special post. This post is about as real as a person can get. I'm not going to sugar coat anything. I'm not gonna pull any punches, I'm going to be as honest as can be. This view is about to get bright, this view is about to burn.

     Are you ready? I am 29 years old. In 16 days, I will be 30 years old. I feel like I live my life as though it's over. I feel like it is too late for me to do anything other than what I've done. I don't feel driven to do anything "important" not because I don't want to accomplish anything, but because I feel like I already am past my prime, make sense to you? Because it doesn't make any kind of sense to me.

     I know that some people are going to tell me how great my life could be, and I know that it could be, but I don't know how to bridge the gap. I don't know how to get myself on the right path. A path forward, I don't really care if it's the "right" path, as long as it moves me forward, that's right enough for me.

     I know that I should feel driven toward something, but I just can't seem to find it. Once upon a time, my story would have traversed the industry known as professional wrestling, but once the doubt and negativity filled my soul, that was a pipe dream that would never come to fruition. I've had and wasted so much potential, because I really have never been able to believe in myself because there was always someone there to knock me down, and show me that I wasn't worth believing in, even though I was, and still am.

     Finding the proper motivation and tools to succeed is my top priority right now. I want so badly to become more than what I am, but my mind seems to feeble to get there. They say that if you believe it, you can achieve it, and I can almost begin to formulate the process in which I can believe it. I don't want to wake up every morning and think, "Gosh, why bother, my life is practically over" I want to go throughout the whole day saying, "What else can I do to achieve my goals, and help those that I love achieve theirs".

     Though the road is going to be long, arduous and at times disheartening, I need this. I need to get somewhere other than this, self imposed prison. Come hell or high water, I will do it. I'm not dead yet, you're gonna have to kill me to stop me. All the way to the top of the ladder, I will get my briefcase.

First thing

     Good morning ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to the view...from the sun. I am, as always, your host for this journey into my brain, Helios.

     This time, I'd like to know, what's the first thing you think of when you wake up? I'm certain that the majority will say the usual, my kids, my love, my family, my friends etc. I wish I could say that. The first thing I always think about when I wake up is, my mortality.

     Now, let me clarify, I don't think about death and my dying as in its going to happen soon, it's not in a suicidal kind of manner, it's merely the realization that one day, the person I am, will cease to exist and the energy of the universe that resides within me will be set free.

     My god, and I literally just thought about this, as a free, incorporeal energy ball, what if we still have a consciousness. Able to go anywhere in the known and unknown universe.

     It's not something I fear, it's just something I wish that none of us would have to experience. We work so hard to make progress, learn, make a family, make a life and by the time we get to enjoy it, it's almost coming to an end. It is not fair. I know they say life isn't fair, but it should be.

     Life is short, and if we don't live it, we become bitter in the end. We think about missed opportunities, mistakes, and all the times we didn't even try. I don't want to be bitter. I hope that the human form isn't my last, but if it is, I want to make the ride worth while. And if you're not down with that, I've got two words for ya!!!

Sunrise

     Welcome, once again to View from the Sun. I am, as always, your host Eros Helios, but you can call me Erik. I know that an online identity is just that, however, as much as I'd like to believe that people should call me Eros, that just isn't my name. Feel free to call me Eros, but someday, that won't be the name in shiny lights, or the light of a glo-worm as it probably will be.

     A post or two ago, I alluded to a future "project" that I'd like to start, and in that vein, I'd like to explain a little bit about it. I am a creator. You might not be able to tell that by just looking at me or reading my blog, but I am. I have an imagination that is rivaled by people such as Spongebob Squarepants or Patrick Star. Okay, more like Bear or Casper, but still, I'm one imaginative fuck.

     One of the projects that I'd like to start is an online "pseudo-novel" not necessarily a Twilight caliber read, hopefully something better. I'm thinking maybe some short stories and they will be dark, witty, humorous and fun to read. Perhaps parodies of current books, albeit shorter. Someday, honestly I hope I can write something good enough to get published and maybe, just maybe, give someone who deserves it, the break they need.

     I'm beginning to realize that I am not in the midday of my life, not even mid-morning, but more like the sunrise of my life. I'm also beginning to realize that my life will never be over, not even when I'm dead and gone I shall go on. I intend on leaving a legacy, a legacy of something legendary. No more will I decide safe is better, but I will take chances, get wild, be cautious when necessary but I'm tired of pretending I'm something I'm not. I want people to pretend to be me. I want to really do what I dream and dare to become something much more than I ever thought.

     One way or another, comfort and riches will eventually be mine. I see so many people with "money" just wasting it. Spending it on things like lottery tickets or blowing it on, well, blow. I think that they could spare some of this money for small town charities, big time charities, doesn't matter as long as they remember that once upon a time, they were right there at the bottom of the barrel with the rest of us.

     Well, that will do it. I thank you for reading and be sure to tip the hooker and pay the waitress, squeeze some boob, and watch the tube. This has been your View from the Sun, and I hope you come back for more of the warmth that you can only get here.

Ugh! I'm a little late... That's what she said.

     LLLLLLLLadies and gentlemen, boys and girls, children of all ages, D-generation neXt proudly brings to you, bloggy goodness, right here at View from the Sun. Yup, I'm trying out new things, new intros, new everything. Life certainly throws curve balls, some of them staring right at you from the mirror every day.

     Now, I'm late with my blog, I promised it on Wednesday, and here it is, 4:30 a.m. Saturday morning, yup, I plan on being late to my own funeral. Hell, I WAS late to my first wedding, and if I ever get married again, I'm gonna do my best to be on time. Okay, well, technically I said "Later" and this is later, but I digress.

     Before I truly begin, I have to thank Casper_Wilkes who is kinda promoting me on his own blog over at http://demotivated.blogspot.com/ he's a good friend, and he's very insightful, intelligent and entertaining so check him out, or I should say, check out his blog. Also, he has a demotivational humor site as well, that can be found at:http://dmotivated.com/.

     I'm a big boy. Well that's what I tell myself anyway, so, in some terms, it's really time to grow up and fix some things, change situations. I recently went to the hospital, nothing life threatening, I went straight up to the third floor, dialysis unit, to weigh myself and what I saw was appalling, terrible. I thought, over the years since I had last weighed myself, that maybe, juuuuuust maybe I had lost some weight. NOPE! I gained, about 15 pounds over a two year period. Now, 15lbs, not really that much, however it put me in an elite "class" of people, for the first time in my life, I weighed over 500lbs.

     Heavier than a professional wrestler known as The Big Show. Not as heavy as Viscera, or Haystacks Calhoun, certainly I'm not the heaviest person in the world, but still to see that number, 505pounds, was disheartening. I felt so dejected, disappointed, but also, it was like an injection straight to the heart. Something finally clicked in my head that said, "you gonna die fatty, it's time to change, for real, not temporary, fleeting, but life long, change for the better.

     I know that in order for things to change on a permanent basis, I have to be psychologically fit to become physically fit. Mental prowess is one of the deciding factors in change, I can stand here(or sit here typing) all day and say change this, change that, and nothing will truly change, you know, like Obama, yup, I went there.

     The thing that separates me from Obama, is that I don't surround myself with "yes men". My people are real, they will tell me the truth, whether I want to hear it or not, and that right there, is what will lead to my success. I'm not infallible, I will falter, I will slip, to pretend otherwise is a joke and it's an insult to being real. I will however, get back up, and I will succeed because I have good people in my corner, helping me, because (as far as I know) they don't want my untimely demise due to a seemingly overwhelming adversary.

     With that in mind, there are a few things that I'm implementing in the very very near future. A plethora of options that I'm weighing, and not a "diet" but a systematic food choice change. I appreciate any and all feedback, tips, what helped you, things I might not know about, but the biggest help of all is encouragement, and solidarity as I take the white house in November... What? we weren't announcing candidacy for the office of POTUS?  Damn it!

     I hope you enjoyed reading, I know this wasn't necessarily a "fun" blog, but I think it was somewhat entertaining. I hope I entertained you enough with the real events of my life that you come back next time when this Degenerate brings you, View from the sun. Goodnight everybody, and as always if you're not down with that, I've got two words for ya......

Oh, and one final thing, don't like me on Facebook but do follow me on Twitter @eroshelios