Weight just a minute

What do you do, when you've let yourself get out of control? You take stock of yourself, meditate on the problem and you get to work. So this is me, I'm getting back to work, so I can be happy, and live.

For the longest time, I've denied what I've known: I'm addicted to food. Sugar, and fat, and chocolate and all other sorts of confections are my weakness. It's difficult, because of two things, one, I need food to survive, and I know I need to make better choices, and two: I think, "hey, I can have just one or two small servings of this", and the next thing I know a big ol' pan of brownies or cookies are gone. And that's no one's fault but my own. It's as though my taste buds and brain just don't relay to my stomach that they don't need that much.

If you're reading this, odds are you saw my little breakdown on New Year's Eve, and obviously, I have some issues to work through regarding my self-esteem. Here's the thing, last time I was weighed, I weighed 565lbs. I don't reveal this number to garner sympathy, or to be ridiculed(although putting this on the internet is probably going to open me up to some). I share this because I want my peeps to know where exactly I need to start from. I don't know what lies within my sub-conscience that I need to reconcile, but this year, that's my mission: To learn new things and uncover my own issues.

I actually made a New Years Resolution list. Things I wanted to do in 2018, and I hope to accomplish at least half, but I do obviously want to complete the whole thing. I hope that you, the reader, will join me on my journey. I know I fell off the writing wagon, but I hope to get back on that as well.

You may have noticed that I used the word hope rather frequently, and that's because I believe that hope is what one needs to embark upon an endeavor such as this.

Thank you for reading, and I'll see you when the Sun comes up again.

Birthday time again.

     Ladies and gentlemen, a day late, and a dollar short, but here I am! Birthday blog 2013. The big 30, and I don't feel a day over 18. I have some problems, but I'm gonna solve them. 1,2,3, lets proceed!

     Not an easy day for some, as yesterday marked 11 years, to the day that we returned my grandmother to the earth. 11 years ago, on Tuesday, 30th of July 2002, I was waking up, dreading what lay before me. Time passed and healed all the wounds, but the scars are still there and they always will be.

     On to better thoughts though, now that I'm 30, I suppose that I really need to make changes. I don't remember how I got here, but here I am, and now I need to go elsewhere. I see you, probably scratching your head in confusion. By this I mean I need to get my health on track, I need to get my education on track, and I need to get me on track.

     Within the next year, I want to get in school, and I want to lose weight. I need to amend those statements because, I will be in school and I will lose weight! I'm asking you, my friends, my audience, to hold me accountable. Help me to keep my administration transparent (Ok, I'm an administration of one, but I haven't got the money to hire people, so bear with me.) I need to have my friends give me moral support, keep me on the straight and narrow (so to speak) seeing as I don't have the money for a personal trainer and I sure as hell don't have the luck to have a movie like experience of a personal trainer or some such individual taking interest in me and caring enough about me to do it for free.

     It's important to look to the future, but it's also important to never forget those that came before you. Those who sacrificed their futures to bring you up, rather than abort you, and the ones who sacrifice their very lives to maintain the freedoms that you enjoy. Never forget the blood, sweat and tears that have been shed, but also remember that there are good days for with the good we must have the bad. Life is simply a pile of good things and bad things, and the good things don't necessarily soften the bad things, and the bad things don't make the good things irrelevant.

     We all need help, and it takes an extraordinary amount of courage and effort to take the first step and admit that you need help. It's a debilitating feeling to know that you can't do something yourself.

     I hope that each and every one of you who read this, or know me, will be here for my journey. I will be taking time out of my day to not only blog about random things, but also I will be keeping a food blog/diary and I hope that if I forget, or if I start slacking, someone will be there asking me why. It is my hope that one day people will look at me and say, "He EARNED his life back, it wasn't just given to him."

     And so, I say for the next chapter in my life.... IT'S CLOBBERING TIIIIIIIIIIIIME!

Realism

     Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the View from the Sun, and I'd like to welcome you to a very special post. This post is about as real as a person can get. I'm not going to sugar coat anything. I'm not gonna pull any punches, I'm going to be as honest as can be. This view is about to get bright, this view is about to burn.

     Are you ready? I am 29 years old. In 16 days, I will be 30 years old. I feel like I live my life as though it's over. I feel like it is too late for me to do anything other than what I've done. I don't feel driven to do anything "important" not because I don't want to accomplish anything, but because I feel like I already am past my prime, make sense to you? Because it doesn't make any kind of sense to me.

     I know that some people are going to tell me how great my life could be, and I know that it could be, but I don't know how to bridge the gap. I don't know how to get myself on the right path. A path forward, I don't really care if it's the "right" path, as long as it moves me forward, that's right enough for me.

     I know that I should feel driven toward something, but I just can't seem to find it. Once upon a time, my story would have traversed the industry known as professional wrestling, but once the doubt and negativity filled my soul, that was a pipe dream that would never come to fruition. I've had and wasted so much potential, because I really have never been able to believe in myself because there was always someone there to knock me down, and show me that I wasn't worth believing in, even though I was, and still am.

     Finding the proper motivation and tools to succeed is my top priority right now. I want so badly to become more than what I am, but my mind seems to feeble to get there. They say that if you believe it, you can achieve it, and I can almost begin to formulate the process in which I can believe it. I don't want to wake up every morning and think, "Gosh, why bother, my life is practically over" I want to go throughout the whole day saying, "What else can I do to achieve my goals, and help those that I love achieve theirs".

     Though the road is going to be long, arduous and at times disheartening, I need this. I need to get somewhere other than this, self imposed prison. Come hell or high water, I will do it. I'm not dead yet, you're gonna have to kill me to stop me. All the way to the top of the ladder, I will get my briefcase.

First thing

     Good morning ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to the view...from the sun. I am, as always, your host for this journey into my brain, Helios.

     This time, I'd like to know, what's the first thing you think of when you wake up? I'm certain that the majority will say the usual, my kids, my love, my family, my friends etc. I wish I could say that. The first thing I always think about when I wake up is, my mortality.

     Now, let me clarify, I don't think about death and my dying as in its going to happen soon, it's not in a suicidal kind of manner, it's merely the realization that one day, the person I am, will cease to exist and the energy of the universe that resides within me will be set free.

     My god, and I literally just thought about this, as a free, incorporeal energy ball, what if we still have a consciousness. Able to go anywhere in the known and unknown universe.

     It's not something I fear, it's just something I wish that none of us would have to experience. We work so hard to make progress, learn, make a family, make a life and by the time we get to enjoy it, it's almost coming to an end. It is not fair. I know they say life isn't fair, but it should be.

     Life is short, and if we don't live it, we become bitter in the end. We think about missed opportunities, mistakes, and all the times we didn't even try. I don't want to be bitter. I hope that the human form isn't my last, but if it is, I want to make the ride worth while. And if you're not down with that, I've got two words for ya!!!