Hello, There

 It's been a while, hasn't it? I've been undergoing some changes both mentally and physically. I don't see it, but then again I'm here every day, looking at myself in the mirror. I don't really chronicle my life online like I used to. I don't know if it's because I just feel like my life is boring, and that no one would really care, or if it's just laziness because that would mean actually writing or filming and then the editing comes. I need to learn the editing. That being said, I just wanted to come on to my old blog, the View From The Sun, and say a few things. First and foremost I hope everyone got a chance to get a glimpse of the April 8th, 2024 eclipse and if nothing else, got to experience the awe of totality when the Moon covered the Sun, and the light dimmed, turning day into night for a brief 4 minutes. It was, to me, as close to a spiritual experience as I will ever have. I may not know everything, but I'm a big space enthusiast. 

I've been away for far too long. My biggest question is this: why does it take some of us so long to have an epiphany? I have, for too long, struggled with so much internally. Am I worthy? Do I matter? Why don't I seem to care about me? I've finally come to the realization that a lot of other people do and that is that I've sought out external validation for too long. Trying to love others, before truly loving myself. What convinces us that our love is only to be given away to others, and not taken into ourselves? For the longest time, I felt that I needed to find someone to love and that their love would, in turn, heal me. I realize that that is selfish. It's not up to someone else's love to heal me, it's the love and compassion that I give myself that allows me to finally see that I am worthy of all that I want and there are no conditions on that. Since beginning my own personal journey, I've been more positive-minded. I've lost weight, and I'm re-discovering hobbies and interests that I had forgotten about. This isn't easy for me to readily admit because nobody wants to admit how far they slid, but at one point during the pandemic, I was 620 lbs. I'm now down to 560 lbs. Is that still a hell of a lot? Yes, but I've lost an entire small child. Obviously, I'm not done with my journey yet and I still have a lot of work to do, but I'm doing the work. I'm improving myself, I'm done trying to prove myself to anyone else but myself. Do I care what others think of me? Not really. If you vibe with me, then we vibe. If you don't, then feel free to move along. I don't know who I am, but I'm learning as I go. I'm building the me that I want to be. I'm working to become the person that I've always wanted to be. It's always going to take time, and that's the thing that I've always had the worst relationship with. I thought to myself  "It's going to take me so long to improve, to change." I failed to realize that not starting when I thought these things made it take even longer. Another thing that I've done that I'm working on is when I'd fail, I took that as the ultimate "I suck, I should just fucking give up" message. It's not. It never was. If everyone looked at one failure as the end, we'd have significantly fewer inventions in the world, and a lot of things wouldn't exist. It took me a long while to figure that out and accept it. I still have to remind myself often that failure isn't the end. I look at it like an experiment, if I yield no results or poor results, I change the variables and try again. I don't often talk about this stuff because I'm just honestly trying to be more private, but I think I'd like to chronicle this journey. I am choosing to show the good, and the bad. Many years ago, like 2023* or so, I would not have admitted that my weight had gotten up to where it had even though if you see me, unless you're blind, you know I'm morbidly obese. I use these terms not because they are scary, but because they are facts. It's time that I be my real, authentic self with the world. 

I haven't written regularly in a long time, and I know my writing is not going to be as good as it used to be because again, out of practice. But if you stuck with me for this I appreciate you, and I thank you. I hope to see you again, here on the Sun, and I hope you enjoy the View.

*That's a joke, you see because a year nowadays feels like a fucking decade. 

How Do I Begin To Care About Me

     I’ve had this in my head for a few weeks now, and I think it’s time to get it out into something other than my head. I used to write. I used to write a lot. Now, I am hard-pressed to complete a blog, or even finish a book (reading, I mean). I know, you’re thinking what does that have to do with writing, right? Well, the more you read, especially things that enthrall you, the more you want to write. The more you read, the better you write. Good, bad, ugly, atrocious, wonderful, fact, fiction, somewhere in between (Historical fiction, I’m looking at you) it all helps you want to write, and share your experiences or just invent a new world. I don’t know why I stopped, but I want to begin…Again.

 

For the longest time, I’ve tried to care about me, but I have never been able to get it right, for too long anyway. I’ve started and stopped so many times that even starting is feeling like a chore. But I have indeed started. I started on December 23^rd, 2020. I know I’ve documented it on Instagram, and on Facebook as well but I wanted to also do a little writing, so I figured I’d do it about this. I am a big man. I’ve allowed myself to become cartoonishly large without ever really realizing it. Have you ever had that happen? One day you go to sleep thinking you’ll be okay and you’ve got a plan and then you wake up and all of the sudden you are where you never thought you’d be? I used to see people out on the street, or on TLC that were my size and I said to myself I’d never let myself get that big. Boy, was I wrong. I’ve never thought that I would get so out of hand, and then one day I realized that I couldn’t do the things I once did to even attempt to get healthy. I’m afraid to go to the gym because I’m afraid that I’ll break equipment, and let’s face it, no one wants to ever do that. Not to mention the fact that when it comes to actual fitness planning, I have no clue what on earth I need to do, or how hard I need to go. It’s expensive to hire a personal trainer and in these times, it’s made even worse. So, I’ve started with DDPY. I’ve had some success with it in the past, and I hope to have great success with it in the present.

 

Doing DDPY isn’t inherently difficult, but it’s also something that you need to be not only consistent in the workout, but also in the dietary regimen as well. There’s so much literature out there, and maybe I just need to grit my teeth and try one, but I want to make sure that whatever lifestyle changes I make, are sustainable. There’s nothing worse than thinking something will work and then falling off and feeling even worse than before. Failing is important, but that doesn’t mean that anyone likes to fail. I, unfortunately, don’t have very good reactions to failure. I don’t handle it as well as I’d like, and it is something that I’m working on, but like everything, it takes time. I don’t want to be just another statistic that the DOH chalks up to heart disease, obesity, high blood pressure, or something similar. I struggle to correct my ways, because I’ve got poor mental health, poor self-esteem, poor self-image, and I often feel like my life is insignificant because, well, I don’t really know. I guess I’ve almost always felt this way. I want to be better. I can be better. I am better than what I’ve settled for my entire life. I have always unfortunately always seen an obstacle and put minimal effort in, and eventually gave up because I knew that it was an option. To me, now, it’s no longer an option. At 620lbs. I either put my head down, and drive through the obstacle, or it kills me. I’m not being figurative here, I’m being literal. It brings me to tears at times, and I’m telling you this because I believe it’s necessary to get these things out.

 

My time on earth, like others is obviously limited. I don’t want to spend it working towards someone else’s dreams. I don’t want to spend it being limited to staying in a shell, staying at home, shutting myself in because I’m afraid to let others see me, or because I’m just plainly uncomfortable both physically and emotionally. I want to be able to spend time doing things with my nieces, that involve more than staying in one area or just giving them something to do and letting them do it by themselves. It is one of those types of things that makes me tear up. Not being able to show them how fun life can be, and how fun just being a kid can and should be. I’m trying to commit to more than just barely trying. I’m trying to take everything step by step, one thing at a time.

 

Like an anthem in my heart, this is what I commit to doing, not for anyone but me, but I hope my peeps care. I commit to working towards a healthier relationship with food, work towards fixing what is obstructing my progress in my head, and I commit to doing as much as I can, to be here for as long as science and health allow me to. I like living. I like the experiences that this world brings, and I don’t want to end that ride any time soon. I want to live and experience everything there is to experience, and I know that includes the bad but without the bad times, we don’t know to cherish the good times. I hope that I’m done starting over again. I hope I’m done feeling as though my life has no meaning. I hope I’m done feeling expendable.

 

Hey, if you’ve made it here, I want to thank you for reading this short blog. I’ve not done a regular blog for a while, but I’m hoping that I can keep this up and let you fine folks know what I’m up to, and how I’m doing. Obviously, I’m also over on a number of other platforms, so if you’d like to follow me there, links will be below. I want you to have a great day, and I hope you know that you matter, you can do anything that you put your mind to (within reason, sadly ain’t no one about to become Superman or some other crazy thing, but you got this). Your support means the world to me, and I thank you for it immensely.

 

~Much Love,

Erik

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First thing

     Good morning ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to the view...from the sun. I am, as always, your host for this journey into my brain, Helios.

     This time, I'd like to know, what's the first thing you think of when you wake up? I'm certain that the majority will say the usual, my kids, my love, my family, my friends etc. I wish I could say that. The first thing I always think about when I wake up is, my mortality.

     Now, let me clarify, I don't think about death and my dying as in its going to happen soon, it's not in a suicidal kind of manner, it's merely the realization that one day, the person I am, will cease to exist and the energy of the universe that resides within me will be set free.

     My god, and I literally just thought about this, as a free, incorporeal energy ball, what if we still have a consciousness. Able to go anywhere in the known and unknown universe.

     It's not something I fear, it's just something I wish that none of us would have to experience. We work so hard to make progress, learn, make a family, make a life and by the time we get to enjoy it, it's almost coming to an end. It is not fair. I know they say life isn't fair, but it should be.

     Life is short, and if we don't live it, we become bitter in the end. We think about missed opportunities, mistakes, and all the times we didn't even try. I don't want to be bitter. I hope that the human form isn't my last, but if it is, I want to make the ride worth while. And if you're not down with that, I've got two words for ya!!!