Failure to Connect

Man, I'm a bit frustrated with myself. I'm working on this Google course, which is cool, but it keeps feeling like I'm having a bit of a problem getting my brain to connect. Sometimes I wish I could just do a little percussive maintenance on my brain and get it to reboot. I'm listening to the videos, reading the material, and it's like there's a sheet of "duhhhhhhh" over my brain. Stopping everything from soaking in. Is it because I'm a bit of a procrastinator, I don't know, maybe. Is it because my learning habits haven't changed since I was in high school? I mean, probably. I'm thinking that you can't cram all the learning you want to do into a blinking weekend. Every single week I tell myself that "This is gonna be the week I get myself on a schedule, this is gonna be the week I start to take everything somewhat seriously." And by Monday, I'm already looking at myself in the mirror going, "you dumb bitch". I lack uh, what's it called? Um...Focus? No..wait, maybe? I know that I can do better. I know I should do better. Not because I want to impress anyone else, but because I want to make my life better. I want to improve myself for me. I hope some form of work ethic can be learned, because if not, if there's no hope for determination to seep its way into my heart and mind, then the universe may as well take me now. Here's hoping that this Monday is different. That this Monday, I actually stick with my plans and get through not only my Google courses but also other things that I'm trying to learn. 

Thanks for reading this mini-rant, and stay sunny. Big E

Realism

     Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the View from the Sun, and I'd like to welcome you to a very special post. This post is about as real as a person can get. I'm not going to sugar coat anything. I'm not gonna pull any punches, I'm going to be as honest as can be. This view is about to get bright, this view is about to burn.

     Are you ready? I am 29 years old. In 16 days, I will be 30 years old. I feel like I live my life as though it's over. I feel like it is too late for me to do anything other than what I've done. I don't feel driven to do anything "important" not because I don't want to accomplish anything, but because I feel like I already am past my prime, make sense to you? Because it doesn't make any kind of sense to me.

     I know that some people are going to tell me how great my life could be, and I know that it could be, but I don't know how to bridge the gap. I don't know how to get myself on the right path. A path forward, I don't really care if it's the "right" path, as long as it moves me forward, that's right enough for me.

     I know that I should feel driven toward something, but I just can't seem to find it. Once upon a time, my story would have traversed the industry known as professional wrestling, but once the doubt and negativity filled my soul, that was a pipe dream that would never come to fruition. I've had and wasted so much potential, because I really have never been able to believe in myself because there was always someone there to knock me down, and show me that I wasn't worth believing in, even though I was, and still am.

     Finding the proper motivation and tools to succeed is my top priority right now. I want so badly to become more than what I am, but my mind seems to feeble to get there. They say that if you believe it, you can achieve it, and I can almost begin to formulate the process in which I can believe it. I don't want to wake up every morning and think, "Gosh, why bother, my life is practically over" I want to go throughout the whole day saying, "What else can I do to achieve my goals, and help those that I love achieve theirs".

     Though the road is going to be long, arduous and at times disheartening, I need this. I need to get somewhere other than this, self imposed prison. Come hell or high water, I will do it. I'm not dead yet, you're gonna have to kill me to stop me. All the way to the top of the ladder, I will get my briefcase.