Destiny I Wanted to Avoid

 As I sit here getting ready for bed, the night before the end of a ten year journey in a game that, through it’s ups and downs had brought me endless hours of fun and entertainment, friendships and frustrations, I also have to look back at a ten year journey that I did not take advantage of. I thought “I’ll just start tomorrow” and I’m realizing that I’m running out of tomorrows the longer I said that. It infuriates me to no end that there seems like there’s no real resources for so many people. I wish I could call my doctor, or a doctor to ask what’s normal and if what I’m feeling is ok or if I should be worried etc. I remember sitting in my cab waiting for a pair of very large individuals and I swore that I would never allow myself to get that big, and here I am. I’m frustrated that things aren’t moving faster, that my health just feels off, and there’s no tangible thing that I can say “this is what’s going on” it just feels off. Like there are times where my gut feels like when you suspect your wife/girlfriend is cheating on you, or when you just have a bad feeling. My mind is all over the place with this, and I’m sorry. I’m just trying to get some thoughts out 

The Destiny I Wanted to Avoid was sitting here and realizing that I don’t know how I let myself get this bad. I know the likelihood of me succeeding is literally 50/50 as long as I remain committed, but sometimes the bad thoughts get the better of me. One last thing that frustrates me is how against people like me the world seems. Everything just seems like it’s there to help you fail. No good healthcare that promotes exercise and proper diet by actually showing you the right way to help yourself. I’m proper terrified that I’m doing everything wrong. I can’t afford a personal trainer, dietitian, and all that, so I have to hope that the stuff that I find on the internet is good enough. 

Hello, There

 It's been a while, hasn't it? I've been undergoing some changes both mentally and physically. I don't see it, but then again I'm here every day, looking at myself in the mirror. I don't really chronicle my life online like I used to. I don't know if it's because I just feel like my life is boring, and that no one would really care, or if it's just laziness because that would mean actually writing or filming and then the editing comes. I need to learn the editing. That being said, I just wanted to come on to my old blog, the View From The Sun, and say a few things. First and foremost I hope everyone got a chance to get a glimpse of the April 8th, 2024 eclipse and if nothing else, got to experience the awe of totality when the Moon covered the Sun, and the light dimmed, turning day into night for a brief 4 minutes. It was, to me, as close to a spiritual experience as I will ever have. I may not know everything, but I'm a big space enthusiast. 

I've been away for far too long. My biggest question is this: why does it take some of us so long to have an epiphany? I have, for too long, struggled with so much internally. Am I worthy? Do I matter? Why don't I seem to care about me? I've finally come to the realization that a lot of other people do and that is that I've sought out external validation for too long. Trying to love others, before truly loving myself. What convinces us that our love is only to be given away to others, and not taken into ourselves? For the longest time, I felt that I needed to find someone to love and that their love would, in turn, heal me. I realize that that is selfish. It's not up to someone else's love to heal me, it's the love and compassion that I give myself that allows me to finally see that I am worthy of all that I want and there are no conditions on that. Since beginning my own personal journey, I've been more positive-minded. I've lost weight, and I'm re-discovering hobbies and interests that I had forgotten about. This isn't easy for me to readily admit because nobody wants to admit how far they slid, but at one point during the pandemic, I was 620 lbs. I'm now down to 560 lbs. Is that still a hell of a lot? Yes, but I've lost an entire small child. Obviously, I'm not done with my journey yet and I still have a lot of work to do, but I'm doing the work. I'm improving myself, I'm done trying to prove myself to anyone else but myself. Do I care what others think of me? Not really. If you vibe with me, then we vibe. If you don't, then feel free to move along. I don't know who I am, but I'm learning as I go. I'm building the me that I want to be. I'm working to become the person that I've always wanted to be. It's always going to take time, and that's the thing that I've always had the worst relationship with. I thought to myself  "It's going to take me so long to improve, to change." I failed to realize that not starting when I thought these things made it take even longer. Another thing that I've done that I'm working on is when I'd fail, I took that as the ultimate "I suck, I should just fucking give up" message. It's not. It never was. If everyone looked at one failure as the end, we'd have significantly fewer inventions in the world, and a lot of things wouldn't exist. It took me a long while to figure that out and accept it. I still have to remind myself often that failure isn't the end. I look at it like an experiment, if I yield no results or poor results, I change the variables and try again. I don't often talk about this stuff because I'm just honestly trying to be more private, but I think I'd like to chronicle this journey. I am choosing to show the good, and the bad. Many years ago, like 2023* or so, I would not have admitted that my weight had gotten up to where it had even though if you see me, unless you're blind, you know I'm morbidly obese. I use these terms not because they are scary, but because they are facts. It's time that I be my real, authentic self with the world. 

I haven't written regularly in a long time, and I know my writing is not going to be as good as it used to be because again, out of practice. But if you stuck with me for this I appreciate you, and I thank you. I hope to see you again, here on the Sun, and I hope you enjoy the View.

*That's a joke, you see because a year nowadays feels like a fucking decade. 

Terrified That I'm Too Late

 At this point, I don't really know what to blog here. I know it's been a long time since I've written, but I'm at a place where I'm just sitting here terrified because I've been having some weird feelings, or symptoms. I don't know if I'm having some sort of panic attack, or heart attack, or hell just a tooth infection, but I've been having some pains in my tooth and ears lately, but I don't know if I'm just being overreactive so I don't say anything. I kinda feel like I'm shivering on the inside, but not the outside. I'm just afraid that no matter what I do, I'm too late to save the one life that I have. I know that this isn't really structured as a blog, but I needed to put this down. I don't want to lose my life to my weight and bad choices, and I'm really afraid that that's what's going to happen, No matter what just know that if you're in my life, I've loved and cherished you all. 

Erik. 

8 BitDo Pro 2 Controller Review

 

8-BitDo Controller Review

Erik Abbey

 

Hi there, do you use your hands to play video games? Do you have a Switch, Windows PC, Android, or Mac? Then PUT THIS CONTROLLER IN YO HANDS!

What’s up guys, it’s the FilthyCasual back on the blog with my first, but hopefully not last device review. Today I’ll be reviewing the 8-BitDo Pro 2 which is an upgrade from the SN-Pro from a while back. While I never had a chance to use the original, I am absolutely impressed with the Pro 2. I happened to choose black, but it also comes in a Super Nintendo inspired color scheme, and a Super Famicon inspired color scheme. My experience with the controller has only been a couple days because I paid for this myself. Now, this does run in the $50 dollar range, but there are definitely times where it will likely be on sale much like the original SN-Pro and SF-Pro. I mainly use it for the Switch, but I also gave it a go on my Galaxy device using the Xbox cloud gaming app, and a PC. I don’t have an Apple, so your mileage may vary on those devices.

 

First and foremost, the look of this controller is just absolutely gorgeous. It's sleek. The black color scheme is clean, although if you’re someone who needs to be able to clearly see the button labels, especially switching between multiple devices, you might be more suited to the other variants as the black lettering on black housing is difficult to see. The texture of the controller is nice. The rear shell has a similar feeling to the PS5 controller, and the Xbox Series X controller. The front is matte black with glossy ABXY buttons. Speaking of the buttons, they are definitely most compatible with the Switch as it is set up like other Nintendo controllers.

The controller fits nicely in my hand, and I don’t feel too cramped. There are two back buttons that are customizable, like all the buttons in fact, however the 8BitDo Ultimate Software for Pro 2 is needed to do so, or the app on Android or Apple. Links at the end. I really like the location of the “Home” and “Share” buttons for ease of access, some may find their location weird because they are below the action buttons and D-pad respectively. They are quick and responsive and the D-pad is nice and not squishy if that makes sense. The Plus + and Minus – buttons are replaced with the classic Select/Start buttons. There is a button on the front in between the two thumbsticks that is used for selecting between three profiles, which again are customizable using the Ultimate Software.

So far, I’ve been able to connect to 3 devices, my Switch, android, and laptop seamlessly. I don’t know if you can use two devices on the same setting, as there is a switch on the back that allows you to choose the connection you want to use.

It comes with a 1000 mAh rechargeable battery preinstalled, and a USB-A to USB-C charging cable. One of the best things, in my opinion about technology, is the ability to have rechargeable batteries. If, however, the battery pack becomes worn and unusable, it can be removed and two standard AA batteries can be used. It doesn’t come fully charged, so don’t do what I did and wonder why it won’t work properly when it’s 99% dead.

I have very few dislikes about this controller. It’s one of the best third-party controllers out there but it has the same issue with other third-party controllers as it has no wake function for the Switch, and of course, there are no NFC capabilities to utilize for Amiibo compatible games. The rumble function is fine. It’s not HD Rumble, but I think that would jack up the price due to the “high tech” involved in it.  Sadly, I don’t believe that this controller is compatible with PS4 or PS5.

For a $50 dollar controller, I think this is a great option. Some might gravitate towards some other controllers like the Power A pro controllers, and that’s okay, but this is a great buy for someone who needs a spare controller or a second controller and you know you won’t need the few features that it lacks.

I will leave links to the software, manual, and Amazon store at the end down below so you can check it out for yourselves and make the best decision for you. Thank you so much for reading, and I’ll see you in the next one.

 

 

Manual Link: https://download.8bitdo.com/Manual/Controller/Pro2/Pro2_Manual.pdf

 

Software link: https://support.8bitdo.com/ultimate/pro2.html

 

Amazon Link: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B08XY86472?ref=ppx_yo2_dt_b_product_details&th=1

How Do I Begin To Care About Me

     I’ve had this in my head for a few weeks now, and I think it’s time to get it out into something other than my head. I used to write. I used to write a lot. Now, I am hard-pressed to complete a blog, or even finish a book (reading, I mean). I know, you’re thinking what does that have to do with writing, right? Well, the more you read, especially things that enthrall you, the more you want to write. The more you read, the better you write. Good, bad, ugly, atrocious, wonderful, fact, fiction, somewhere in between (Historical fiction, I’m looking at you) it all helps you want to write, and share your experiences or just invent a new world. I don’t know why I stopped, but I want to begin…Again.

 

For the longest time, I’ve tried to care about me, but I have never been able to get it right, for too long anyway. I’ve started and stopped so many times that even starting is feeling like a chore. But I have indeed started. I started on December 23^rd, 2020. I know I’ve documented it on Instagram, and on Facebook as well but I wanted to also do a little writing, so I figured I’d do it about this. I am a big man. I’ve allowed myself to become cartoonishly large without ever really realizing it. Have you ever had that happen? One day you go to sleep thinking you’ll be okay and you’ve got a plan and then you wake up and all of the sudden you are where you never thought you’d be? I used to see people out on the street, or on TLC that were my size and I said to myself I’d never let myself get that big. Boy, was I wrong. I’ve never thought that I would get so out of hand, and then one day I realized that I couldn’t do the things I once did to even attempt to get healthy. I’m afraid to go to the gym because I’m afraid that I’ll break equipment, and let’s face it, no one wants to ever do that. Not to mention the fact that when it comes to actual fitness planning, I have no clue what on earth I need to do, or how hard I need to go. It’s expensive to hire a personal trainer and in these times, it’s made even worse. So, I’ve started with DDPY. I’ve had some success with it in the past, and I hope to have great success with it in the present.

 

Doing DDPY isn’t inherently difficult, but it’s also something that you need to be not only consistent in the workout, but also in the dietary regimen as well. There’s so much literature out there, and maybe I just need to grit my teeth and try one, but I want to make sure that whatever lifestyle changes I make, are sustainable. There’s nothing worse than thinking something will work and then falling off and feeling even worse than before. Failing is important, but that doesn’t mean that anyone likes to fail. I, unfortunately, don’t have very good reactions to failure. I don’t handle it as well as I’d like, and it is something that I’m working on, but like everything, it takes time. I don’t want to be just another statistic that the DOH chalks up to heart disease, obesity, high blood pressure, or something similar. I struggle to correct my ways, because I’ve got poor mental health, poor self-esteem, poor self-image, and I often feel like my life is insignificant because, well, I don’t really know. I guess I’ve almost always felt this way. I want to be better. I can be better. I am better than what I’ve settled for my entire life. I have always unfortunately always seen an obstacle and put minimal effort in, and eventually gave up because I knew that it was an option. To me, now, it’s no longer an option. At 620lbs. I either put my head down, and drive through the obstacle, or it kills me. I’m not being figurative here, I’m being literal. It brings me to tears at times, and I’m telling you this because I believe it’s necessary to get these things out.

 

My time on earth, like others is obviously limited. I don’t want to spend it working towards someone else’s dreams. I don’t want to spend it being limited to staying in a shell, staying at home, shutting myself in because I’m afraid to let others see me, or because I’m just plainly uncomfortable both physically and emotionally. I want to be able to spend time doing things with my nieces, that involve more than staying in one area or just giving them something to do and letting them do it by themselves. It is one of those types of things that makes me tear up. Not being able to show them how fun life can be, and how fun just being a kid can and should be. I’m trying to commit to more than just barely trying. I’m trying to take everything step by step, one thing at a time.

 

Like an anthem in my heart, this is what I commit to doing, not for anyone but me, but I hope my peeps care. I commit to working towards a healthier relationship with food, work towards fixing what is obstructing my progress in my head, and I commit to doing as much as I can, to be here for as long as science and health allow me to. I like living. I like the experiences that this world brings, and I don’t want to end that ride any time soon. I want to live and experience everything there is to experience, and I know that includes the bad but without the bad times, we don’t know to cherish the good times. I hope that I’m done starting over again. I hope I’m done feeling as though my life has no meaning. I hope I’m done feeling expendable.

 

Hey, if you’ve made it here, I want to thank you for reading this short blog. I’ve not done a regular blog for a while, but I’m hoping that I can keep this up and let you fine folks know what I’m up to, and how I’m doing. Obviously, I’m also over on a number of other platforms, so if you’d like to follow me there, links will be below. I want you to have a great day, and I hope you know that you matter, you can do anything that you put your mind to (within reason, sadly ain’t no one about to become Superman or some other crazy thing, but you got this). Your support means the world to me, and I thank you for it immensely.

 

~Much Love,

Erik

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Where Do I Go From Here

Hey all, Erik here. Thanks for coming to see the view, and I hope you enjoy just a little bit of my thought process in life. 

 Living life in this strange time, is well, strange in and of itself. Many of us are cautious about spending too much time outside of our immediate bubble, and then there are others who are comfortable living in whatever fantasy world that they have created for themselves to cope with the fact that we are a civilization in peril. In this time, I'd rather create something new than to just return to the old. I know that the restrictions are loosening and things are opening up again, but there's still trepidation to returning to our old ways. In this time, things are questionable on what's necessary, and indeed who is necessary. Technology obviously is crucial at this juncture because we need personal interactions for school, and business. Where I go from here is not back to the status quo. Things that have plagued me are no longer ignorable. So many times I wish they were, and I've wasted so much time pretending that everything is okay and that I am in control, yet I'm not. Not really. But, I've found new resolve in myself and those that are willing to support me and cheer me on. I know that there are many people that may, and I appreciate you all. 

I've always felt like I've had potential, I mean at some point in all our lives don't we all? At this point in my life, I don't believe that I'm "too old" to learn new things or to have new experiences, I believe that I've been too afraid of failing, or just thought that I wasn't worth putting in the effort. I know for a fact that I've wasted much of my life living a half-life so to speak, but I know that my story shouldn't be defined by one part of my life. My life, like many others. is defined not only by the story's beginning but also, how it ends. For much of my life, I was bitter and cynical and at one point, I decided I didn't want to be that way anymore, but I also didn't know what I wanted to be, or how to achieve it so I became apathetic. I developed a distinct attitude about the world and those around me, and it took a while to even begin to change. Most of my attitude stemmed from my insecurities about many things, but then I realized that everyone has insecurities about something, even those that many of us look up to, like celebrities or heroes of ours. Hell, even imagined characters have insecurities because the creators knew that they should resemble the rest of the human emotional spectrum. 

I'm tired of letting my insecurities get the better of me, and I know that like weight loss, fully changing my thought process will take time and that's okay. I've had a long history of thinking that if I didn't understand something right away, or have some sort of success shortly after starting that I was already a failure. For too long I've been hyper-critical of myself, my choices, my mistakes, and not joyous enough when considering my successes, and blessings in life. 

This is something that we all could stand to think about. Where am I working on going, and not that I'm not thankful for what I have, but I know that I could be so much more, and that's what I'm working on. I'm working on acquiring my certifications for A+, Network +, ITF, and some other tech-related career paths. I also want to learn to be more creative through music, and content creation, and obviously I do the streaming thing over on Twitch.tv/FilthycasualXL, and though I'm not on a set schedule right now, I really do enjoy it. 

I know that I'm working on changing my thought process to be a better person every day, and it's always going to be a struggle because, without struggle, there can be no evolution. I don't want to just reach my goals and expectations, I want to HULK SMASH those mofos! Thanks for reading and as always, I'll see you next time. 

What’s It Like to Not Feel Like a Huge Disappointment

 

I’m at an age where I can look at my old high school mates and seriously become depressed. It’s not their fault, it’s mine. I know that everyone in this world makes their own life in their own time, but how can I not feel like a disappointment? To everyone, I try to exude a joviality that isn’t always true. It’s often times just a façade to placate the thoughts that people can sometimes have. I don’t blame anyone but myself for never seeing what I could have truly become had I not slacked off and kept myself focused on my future(present now). I see so many of my peers with families, businesses, careers, kids, living their best lives because, many of them believed in themselves, or at least it appears that way. Granted, I could be 100% wrong, and that is fine. It’s hard to not see others’ and their lives and not be jealous. It’s frustrating looking in the mirror and seeing someone who should be in a better position in life. Not because I think that I’m better than others’ but because I should have tried. I know that there’s literally thousands of people who tried something and failed to be a star in their chosen field, but so many land in places that sets them on a new course. I know that this isn’t tv or movies, and there’s no one plotting the story, making things go the way they should, helping the main character pluck up the courage to ask that pretty girl out, or a random plot twist where someone is finally noticed for their work. Or, my favorite, “The Great Epiphany!” That one moment that makes their life so crystal clear. We are the authors of our own lives, and yet we don’t all have the same abilities to suss out what we want to become. Who our character is going to be. People ask what my blogs are about at times, and man, mostly I hurt inside. There are things in my past that have kept me in ways I never thought possible. I’m tired of being disappointed by myself. Not being able to properly get a hold on my weight gain. I’m afraid that I will end up failing again, and again and end up giving up on myself. I’m disappointed that I don’t have any sort of success and I still live at home, not able to do what I’ve committed to. I’m not embarrassed, but I wish that I was better. Better at life, and better at being a good person. Better at taking care of myself. Writing this blog is a disappointment, because I feel like my pain, my sadness, my failures mean nothing because there are so many people who have it worse off than I do. I’m complaining about my bullshit, and there are other people who could look at me and say “Listen man, what are you complaining about?” but I feel like that then minimizes me as a person. It’s round, and round in my head. I don’t want to constantly be a guy who is a downer, and I feel like that’s what I always am. I just don’t know how to make others’ see what my mind is going through.