What’s It Like to Not Feel Like a Huge Disappointment

 

I’m at an age where I can look at my old high school mates and seriously become depressed. It’s not their fault, it’s mine. I know that everyone in this world makes their own life in their own time, but how can I not feel like a disappointment? To everyone, I try to exude a joviality that isn’t always true. It’s often times just a façade to placate the thoughts that people can sometimes have. I don’t blame anyone but myself for never seeing what I could have truly become had I not slacked off and kept myself focused on my future(present now). I see so many of my peers with families, businesses, careers, kids, living their best lives because, many of them believed in themselves, or at least it appears that way. Granted, I could be 100% wrong, and that is fine. It’s hard to not see others’ and their lives and not be jealous. It’s frustrating looking in the mirror and seeing someone who should be in a better position in life. Not because I think that I’m better than others’ but because I should have tried. I know that there’s literally thousands of people who tried something and failed to be a star in their chosen field, but so many land in places that sets them on a new course. I know that this isn’t tv or movies, and there’s no one plotting the story, making things go the way they should, helping the main character pluck up the courage to ask that pretty girl out, or a random plot twist where someone is finally noticed for their work. Or, my favorite, “The Great Epiphany!” That one moment that makes their life so crystal clear. We are the authors of our own lives, and yet we don’t all have the same abilities to suss out what we want to become. Who our character is going to be. People ask what my blogs are about at times, and man, mostly I hurt inside. There are things in my past that have kept me in ways I never thought possible. I’m tired of being disappointed by myself. Not being able to properly get a hold on my weight gain. I’m afraid that I will end up failing again, and again and end up giving up on myself. I’m disappointed that I don’t have any sort of success and I still live at home, not able to do what I’ve committed to. I’m not embarrassed, but I wish that I was better. Better at life, and better at being a good person. Better at taking care of myself. Writing this blog is a disappointment, because I feel like my pain, my sadness, my failures mean nothing because there are so many people who have it worse off than I do. I’m complaining about my bullshit, and there are other people who could look at me and say “Listen man, what are you complaining about?” but I feel like that then minimizes me as a person. It’s round, and round in my head. I don’t want to constantly be a guy who is a downer, and I feel like that’s what I always am. I just don’t know how to make others’ see what my mind is going through.