Destiny I Wanted to Avoid

 As I sit here getting ready for bed, the night before the end of a ten year journey in a game that, through it’s ups and downs had brought me endless hours of fun and entertainment, friendships and frustrations, I also have to look back at a ten year journey that I did not take advantage of. I thought “I’ll just start tomorrow” and I’m realizing that I’m running out of tomorrows the longer I said that. It infuriates me to no end that there seems like there’s no real resources for so many people. I wish I could call my doctor, or a doctor to ask what’s normal and if what I’m feeling is ok or if I should be worried etc. I remember sitting in my cab waiting for a pair of very large individuals and I swore that I would never allow myself to get that big, and here I am. I’m frustrated that things aren’t moving faster, that my health just feels off, and there’s no tangible thing that I can say “this is what’s going on” it just feels off. Like there are times where my gut feels like when you suspect your wife/girlfriend is cheating on you, or when you just have a bad feeling. My mind is all over the place with this, and I’m sorry. I’m just trying to get some thoughts out 

The Destiny I Wanted to Avoid was sitting here and realizing that I don’t know how I let myself get this bad. I know the likelihood of me succeeding is literally 50/50 as long as I remain committed, but sometimes the bad thoughts get the better of me. One last thing that frustrates me is how against people like me the world seems. Everything just seems like it’s there to help you fail. No good healthcare that promotes exercise and proper diet by actually showing you the right way to help yourself. I’m proper terrified that I’m doing everything wrong. I can’t afford a personal trainer, dietitian, and all that, so I have to hope that the stuff that I find on the internet is good enough. 

Hello, There

 It's been a while, hasn't it? I've been undergoing some changes both mentally and physically. I don't see it, but then again I'm here every day, looking at myself in the mirror. I don't really chronicle my life online like I used to. I don't know if it's because I just feel like my life is boring, and that no one would really care, or if it's just laziness because that would mean actually writing or filming and then the editing comes. I need to learn the editing. That being said, I just wanted to come on to my old blog, the View From The Sun, and say a few things. First and foremost I hope everyone got a chance to get a glimpse of the April 8th, 2024 eclipse and if nothing else, got to experience the awe of totality when the Moon covered the Sun, and the light dimmed, turning day into night for a brief 4 minutes. It was, to me, as close to a spiritual experience as I will ever have. I may not know everything, but I'm a big space enthusiast. 

I've been away for far too long. My biggest question is this: why does it take some of us so long to have an epiphany? I have, for too long, struggled with so much internally. Am I worthy? Do I matter? Why don't I seem to care about me? I've finally come to the realization that a lot of other people do and that is that I've sought out external validation for too long. Trying to love others, before truly loving myself. What convinces us that our love is only to be given away to others, and not taken into ourselves? For the longest time, I felt that I needed to find someone to love and that their love would, in turn, heal me. I realize that that is selfish. It's not up to someone else's love to heal me, it's the love and compassion that I give myself that allows me to finally see that I am worthy of all that I want and there are no conditions on that. Since beginning my own personal journey, I've been more positive-minded. I've lost weight, and I'm re-discovering hobbies and interests that I had forgotten about. This isn't easy for me to readily admit because nobody wants to admit how far they slid, but at one point during the pandemic, I was 620 lbs. I'm now down to 560 lbs. Is that still a hell of a lot? Yes, but I've lost an entire small child. Obviously, I'm not done with my journey yet and I still have a lot of work to do, but I'm doing the work. I'm improving myself, I'm done trying to prove myself to anyone else but myself. Do I care what others think of me? Not really. If you vibe with me, then we vibe. If you don't, then feel free to move along. I don't know who I am, but I'm learning as I go. I'm building the me that I want to be. I'm working to become the person that I've always wanted to be. It's always going to take time, and that's the thing that I've always had the worst relationship with. I thought to myself  "It's going to take me so long to improve, to change." I failed to realize that not starting when I thought these things made it take even longer. Another thing that I've done that I'm working on is when I'd fail, I took that as the ultimate "I suck, I should just fucking give up" message. It's not. It never was. If everyone looked at one failure as the end, we'd have significantly fewer inventions in the world, and a lot of things wouldn't exist. It took me a long while to figure that out and accept it. I still have to remind myself often that failure isn't the end. I look at it like an experiment, if I yield no results or poor results, I change the variables and try again. I don't often talk about this stuff because I'm just honestly trying to be more private, but I think I'd like to chronicle this journey. I am choosing to show the good, and the bad. Many years ago, like 2023* or so, I would not have admitted that my weight had gotten up to where it had even though if you see me, unless you're blind, you know I'm morbidly obese. I use these terms not because they are scary, but because they are facts. It's time that I be my real, authentic self with the world. 

I haven't written regularly in a long time, and I know my writing is not going to be as good as it used to be because again, out of practice. But if you stuck with me for this I appreciate you, and I thank you. I hope to see you again, here on the Sun, and I hope you enjoy the View.

*That's a joke, you see because a year nowadays feels like a fucking decade.