Monday Night

Welcome everyone, to Monday Night RAW! And we get a recap of last week… woo hoo… Here comes Triple H, and does anyone notice that in his titantron, there are no shots of him with long hair? Coincidence? I think not. When are they gonna advertise Curtis Axel’s theme music on RAW?

The bell rings, and triple H is just unloading on Axel. Furious punches and then some mudhole stomping in the corner. No chance, because here comes Vince McMahon! Vince McMahon just screwed Triple H? what the fuck? So, is this just going to be a power struggle? Back and forth, he’s going to end the match, I’m going to restart the match. A 60 minute Iron Man Match, on raw? Yeah, okay. So, I was slightly entertained by the opening  segment of RAW, but the whole dysfunctional family thing is getting old.

Okay, Steph and H are conversing. She’s getting so emotional, like usual. Oh god, she’s using the real life thing against him, what the… Ooh yeah, he’s he’s talking like Macho Man.

It’s time for Kane versus a member of the Shield. Do we really believe that it’s going to stay fair? So, I missed the first part of this match, thank god for DVR. It’s been a one sided affair here for Kane. Here comes the ring bell, being returned by the Chairman of the WWE, Vince McMahon. Great, a commercial. I hate commercials. Unwritten rule of wrestling: Whomever is in control at the beginning of a commercial break, will be in trouble when the action returns. Thank you, “Social network initiative” for taking my attention away from the performers.  While I’m on this, why do the tweets have to be so god awful stupid? What the hell! Disqualification, the shield completely stayed out of the match. /sarcasm.

Sheamus and Damien Sandow got put on the Payback preshow? Interesting. Everybody! Download the WWE App! NOW!!!!!! I can’t stand the advertisements for that damn app. Damn near going to kill anyone who plays a drinking game, right Steve? Replay from last Friday night on Smackdown! I love that Kane is the voice of reason. They get a title match? Lmao Kane! Kane just uttered the words that the WWE fans say all the time, “This doesn’t make any sense”. Now, he’s on to hugging Vicki Guerrero, nice.

AWESOME! The Miz is on RAW…Next. Last Monday, on RAW Miz beats Barrett with the Figure Four. Barrett on commentary, and the Miz versus Cody Rhodes. Poor Cody, ever since he grew that mustache, he’s lost his edge. Just an FYI I would love it if someone, or a group of someones, got me a replica Inter-continental championship belt. Miz wins with a figure four. Paul Heyman is here to tell us that Curtis Axel is in the 3way for the IC belt.

Break the walls DOWN! Chris Jericho is out next. Oops, I forgot it’s been an hour, so we have forgotten what happened at the opening of RAW. I just noticed that Vince almost whacked Justin Roberts in the head. Okay, where’s the fast forward button? Damn it! Steph and Vince yakking about what Vince did. Business first? I doubt it, PG sucks, yup, I said it. So, Vince is back in control of Raw? Why is Vicki there? Clusterfuck, clusterfuck, here you are.

Finally, RAW is JERICHO! Ok, Jericho is doing a promo. I’m not blown away by it. Ziggles is interrupting Jericho before he could say “A-gain” Ziggles did earn that title. Dear Mr. Jericho, please stop with the cheap pops.  Big E Langston vs. Jericho, um, okay then. I don’t really like Big E. Not because I don’t think he’s a good performer, I haven’t really seen much of him. I mostly don’t like him, because I hate his wrestling gear. Nobody wants to see that. Fuck the WWE APP! I miss the countdown before Jericho comes out. Triple backbreakers by Langston, very impressive. Jericho gonna fly.

So, why is it okay for a “Good guy” to attack someone from behind? WWE magazine is now digital? Nice.

Botch Cara is still employed by WWE? Wow. Zeb Colter is quite the patriot. Cesaro took off his garters. Cesaro is a phenomenal talent. It’s time for him to be treated as such. I think it’s hilarious that they are bringing up political issues on commentary. Sin Cara better not fucking win. Good job Cesaro. I like the Neutralizer as a finisher.

The Wyatt family vignettes are rather creepy, but that’s kind of the point, isn’t it? Cena/Ryback face to face. I’m fairly certain many people are going to love the Divas show on E! but I think Steve is going to appreciate them the most just because of the Bella twins.

Vicki is eating a cheeseburger. She’s embarrassed in front of Vince. Hahahaha If She things as well as she eats she’s going to find the right answer, way to be a S.T.A.R. Vince. I hear voices and they are saying shh Randy Orton is on. YES! YES! YES! YES! D-Bryan is here as well.

So, up first we have Orton versus Reigns to be followed up I’m sure, by Bryan versus Rollins. Dissention among comrades adds to the suspense and drama of the match this Sunday. I hope they don’t think that they are going to catch lightning in a bottle twice with Daniel Bryan and random tag team partners.

Orton’s match is a no contest. Daniel Bryan Wins. First pin fall loss for the Shield, I do believe. Aaaaaand another recap of the start of RAW I’m tired of this bullshit.

Kaitlyn finds out her secret admirer, and it’s Big E Langston. He looks much better with real fucking clothes on. It’s a little weird, yeah.  Okay, so AJ was behind it. Yum, AJ. AJ’s Crazy chants going on. I have to say I’m glad it was something that moved the storyline forward instead of the secret admirer being the Bella twins.  

Sheamus is the new chess champion because he broke a computer? Okay then. Why is this match presented by a cheeseburger? What? A bacon cheeseburger ! What? A Hardees super bacon cheeseburger! Damn! It’s R-Truth. I haven’t seen him in a couple weeks. King is staring at the burger because he knows he can’t eat it. Or, he wants to fuck it. Either way, it’s just not right.

Sheamus looks angry. Stephanie is looking for Vince. Oh, she’s pulling a switcheroo… I think Steph wants Triple H to beat the holy hell out of Vince. C.M. Punk is back, this Sunday at Payback. I don’t need to see a Ryback rampage. What the hell. Here come the lumberjacks for the 3 stages of fluff match on Sunday. And probably 90% of the lumberjacks are just happy for a little bit of camera time.

This is the end looks funny. 

HHH and Vince face to face. Holy shit. Steph just screamed at them both. Why is Vince trying to blow Triple H’s ego? What the hell. He wants HHH to be a pencil pusher. Vince is a giver? Hmm… Ask Pat Patterson. Now the viewpoints have flipped. Let’s all have a group hug.

Okay, I don’t really care about this “Main event”  so, I’m blowing this popsicle stand. Okay, I’m telling you, Ryback is a little scary. He’s afraid to get in the ring. Maybe one at a time, but not as a collective. I’m pretty sure you’d get that Ryback ass kicked. Ugh… yak yak yak. Wah wah wah…. A brawl to end the show… gee whiz, who didn’t see that coming.