As I sit here getting ready for bed, the night before the end of a ten year journey in a game that, through it’s ups and downs had brought me endless hours of fun and entertainment, friendships and frustrations, I also have to look back at a ten year journey that I did not take advantage of. I thought “I’ll just start tomorrow” and I’m realizing that I’m running out of tomorrows the longer I said that. It infuriates me to no end that there seems like there’s no real resources for so many people. I wish I could call my doctor, or a doctor to ask what’s normal and if what I’m feeling is ok or if I should be worried etc. I remember sitting in my cab waiting for a pair of very large individuals and I swore that I would never allow myself to get that big, and here I am. I’m frustrated that things aren’t moving faster, that my health just feels off, and there’s no tangible thing that I can say “this is what’s going on” it just feels off. Like there are times where my gut feels like when you suspect your wife/girlfriend is cheating on you, or when you just have a bad feeling. My mind is all over the place with this, and I’m sorry. I’m just trying to get some thoughts out
The Destiny I Wanted to Avoid was sitting here and realizing that I don’t know how I let myself get this bad. I know the likelihood of me succeeding is literally 50/50 as long as I remain committed, but sometimes the bad thoughts get the better of me. One last thing that frustrates me is how against people like me the world seems. Everything just seems like it’s there to help you fail. No good healthcare that promotes exercise and proper diet by actually showing you the right way to help yourself. I’m proper terrified that I’m doing everything wrong. I can’t afford a personal trainer, dietitian, and all that, so I have to hope that the stuff that I find on the internet is good enough.
